Today

we played croquet
we patronised a bunny rabbit
we cleaned our throats with bleach
we mourned the death of a transvestite
we shared a hair band

Today

we tickled a hippo
we sang through a letterbox
we were visited by the tooth fairy
we announced the wrong winner
we threw snowballs into a fire

Today

we danced with leaves
we cleaned our glasses in a fish tank
we quoted a Roman
we grew a plant in a shoe
we befriended a cockroach

Today

we popped pills
we were turned away by Noah
we put a wall in a door
we celebrated St Lucia
we shredded potatoes

Today

we removed our faces
we gave a necklace to a dwarf
we were shot in the leg by a dog
we had blind man’s soup
we got there in the end

Today

we read brainwaves
we were boarded by pirates
we rolled in the hay
we cooked a witch in the oven
we spoke to a fish

Today

we followed a melody
we opened tins with a laser
we got stabbed in the bottom by a Viking
we polished our trophies
we staked a claim

Today

we re-animated dead tissue
we learned to use a knife and fork
we dried our nails with a monkey
we smeared our mouths with blood
we hid in a mousehole

Today

we surfed into a volcano
we almost sewed six shirts
we made peace with a sultan
we teleported to the supermarket
we wobbled a tooth

Today

we dabbled with genetics
we activated the magic amulet
we looked for a leopard
we flushed our hair in the toilet
we collected rings

Today

we sang for our supper
we were sedated by a nurse
we shook a feathery pillow
we entered the dreams of a psychopath
we sat on a hat

Today

we voted for change
we put a cat in a teapot
we worried about a lollipop man
we had delusions of grandeur
we bled into a well

Today

we contracted cholera
we entered the seventh dimension
we found water in the desert
we partied with a bar of chocolate
we popped our cheeks

Today

we purchased a hearse
we defeated the grasshoppers
we put on leather masks
we raised the age of criminality
we melted cheese

Today

we talked about the weather
we glued a dragon back together
we solved a nefarious conundrum
we discovered a green suitcase
we criticised the Pope

Today

we hid under a cask
we gave ice cream to a pregnant nun
we counted all the trees
we learnt new words
we burnt a flag

Today

we lost a sea snail
we were warmed by a trumpet
we were force fed in a stable
we suffocated in the bathroom
we faked accents

Today

we pretended to be dumb
we were cast into Satan’s pit
we listened to a Welsh lullaby
we were bored by a rooster
we sold our sperm

Today

we lost a golden ball
we struck a deal with the mafia
we delivered a speech about teapots
we received one hundred Christmas cards
we defrosted a quiche

Today

we wore plastic pearls
we put a bomb in a pony
we had our knees touched
we escaped from prison
we diced some bacon

Today

we fished on dry land
we carbonated bodily fluids
we had lunch with a kazoo
we castigated a dragon
we shot a red kite

Today

we smeared mud on our hair
we were held hostage
we rode on a rusty rollercoaster
we put a balloon in the microwave
we cursed at the devil

Today

we parked on the grass
we danced the Hokey Cokey
we met the tin man
we chased an ice cream van
we smuggled turtles

Today

we planted some seeds
we jumped over a tennis ball
we poached our tits
we lusted for blood
we got free coffee

Today

we threw eggs
we sat on a table
we gobbled up a beech tree
we made a purrfect pun
we bathed in a fountain

Today

we dressed up as penguins
we threw ourselves in front of a train
we performed ballet in the park
we drained a lawnmower
we made pink pancakes

Today

we activated the cloning machine
we were fingered by strawberries
we put a satellite on the moon
we wrapped up seven tongues in a handkerchief
we went to the circus

Today

we were cast out of the kingdom
we sang underneath a lemon tree
we were propositioned by an Indian
we changed someone’s name
we wished for a piglet

Today

we sent social services to the castle
we looked forward to a monsoon
we found God in a pillow factory
we received a postcard from a horse
we lost a sock

Today

we ended a war
we were amused by a Russian
we drowned a wolf in a trough
we were threatened by a flaming skull
we stayed in a mootel